I Don't Feel Like a Woman: The PCOS Identity Crisis No One Talks About

The Comments That Stopped Me in My Tracks

When I sent out my PCOS patient survey, I expected to hear about irregular periods and acne. What I didn't expect was how many of you would share something much deeper:

“In many ways I don't feel like a woman.”

“Kinda making you feel less of a woman.”

“I felt like it was some kind of ugly woman disease, marker of how defective I am.”

I had to stop reading. Not because these comments were shocking, but because I'd felt exactly the same way and never had the words for it.

We talk about PCOS symptoms: the weight gain, the facial hair, the missing periods. But we don't talk about what it does to your sense of self. How it chips away at something fundamental about how you see yourself as a woman.

It's time we did.

When Your Body Feels Like a Betrayal

PCOS doesn't just change your body. It changes your relationship with your body.

One survey respondent shared: “I shaved my butt because of extra hair, but then it was spiky. My ex went to touch my butt and I recoiled.”

That moment of recoiling. That split second of shame. That's what living with PCOS can feel like. You're constantly bracing yourself for your body to betray you.

The visible symptoms carry invisible weight. Facial hair makes you avoid close conversations. Acne makes you cancel social plans. One respondent told me: “I had a severe acne flare up and it upset me so much that I cancelled my social plans and work.” Weight gain seems to happen overnight despite doing everything “right.” Hair loss makes you avoid certain hairstyles or lighting. Dark skin patches appear that no amount of scrubbing removes.

These aren't just cosmetic concerns. They're daily reminders that your body is doing something “wrong.” That it's producing too much testosterone, not ovulating regularly, not looking the way a woman's body is “supposed” to look.

The Period That Never Comes (Or Never Stops)

Here's the cruel irony: society ties womanhood so tightly to menstruation, but PCOS disrupts that very thing.

Your survey responses painted completely different experiences. Some of you have gone months without a period. Others bled for an entire month straight. One person wrote: “I've grown so anxious about starting my period without realizing it, that I have placed towels on all the spots I frequently sit.”

And every period tracker app makes it worse. They keep asking when your last period started. They keep predicting your period should arrive in 3 days. They keep reminding you: Your body isn't doing what it's supposed to do. One of you said it perfectly: “Apps predict periods that never come.”

So you stop tracking. You close the app. And you feel even more disconnected from your body, from the rhythm that seems so natural for everyone else.

The Fertility Fear That Starts Too Early

“I'm only 19 and I'm scared I'll have a hard time being a mom.”

This comment broke my heart. Nineteen years old, and already carrying the weight of potential infertility.

PCOS steals something from young women that's hard to articulate: the luxury of not thinking about fertility until you're ready. While your friends are focused on preventing pregnancy, you're already worried you might not be able to conceive when you want to. Other responses echoed this anxiety. “I haven't ovulated in 7 months.”“Worried I may be infertile.”“What if I can't give my partner children?”

The fertility anxiety compounds the identity crisis. Because society tells us that being a woman means being able to create life. And PCOS makes that feel uncertain.

The reality? Most women with PCOS can and do conceive. But that fear? That fear is very real, and it shapes how you see yourself for years.

When Intimacy Becomes Complicated

“I don't feel sexy and that affects my sex drive. My last partner cheated on me, and I believe it was because of my low libido.”

PCOS doesn't just affect how you see yourself. It affects how you connect with others.

The combination of body image struggles, hormonal impact on libido, physical symptoms like painful sex and dryness, exhaustion from managing the condition, and fear of judgment about your body creates this perfect storm where intimacy feels like one more thing to manage, rather than something to enjoy.

You avoid certain positions because of your stomach. You keep the lights off. You time sex around when you feel “least bloated.” You carry the weight of wondering if you're “enough.”

The Dysphoria That Has No Name

Multiple survey respondents described something that sounds remarkably like dysphoria.

“My PCOS has made me feel very disconnected from my body.”

“Slight body dysmorphia due to gaining weight and losing weight seemingly overnight.”

“I feel like my body is working against me.”

This isn't typical body image concerns. This is feeling fundamentally disconnected from your physical self. Like your body is doing things without your consent, changing in ways you can't control, becoming something you don't recognize.

And because PCOS is tied to “female” hormones and reproductive health, this dysphoria becomes entangled with gender identity in ways that are rarely acknowledged. Some of you are comfortable in your womanhood but struggling with your body. Some of you are questioning what womanhood even means. Some of you are trying to untangle PCOS symptoms from gender identity questions.

All of these experiences are valid.

The Guilt We Carry

“It makes me feel guilty, sort of like a dark cloud that hangs over me.”

Guilt. That word appeared over and over in the survey.

You feel guilty about your body. Guilty about needing accommodations. Guilty about being “difficult” in relationships. Guilty about struggling with fertility. Guilty about not being able to eat “normally.” Guilty about the emotional burden you feel you place on others.

You carry guilt for having a medical condition you didn't choose.

One respondent captured it: “Constant apathy by medical professionals is hurting my mental health: not being believed, refusing to treat me unless I want to have children.”

The medical system reinforces this guilt. It treats PCOS as primarily a fertility issue, dismisses your symptoms if you're not trying to conceive, suggests it's your fault for not losing weight.

Reclaiming Your Relationship with Yourself

So how do we move forward? How do we rebuild a sense of self when PCOS has shaken it?

You're Not Broken

If you take nothing else from this post, take this: You are not broken. You are not less of a woman. You are not defective.

You have a complex endocrine condition that affects multiple systems in your body. That's not a moral failing. That's not a reflection of your worth. That's just biology being complicated.

Your body isn't betraying you. It's doing the best it can with the hormonal signals it's receiving. And you're doing the best you can to manage a condition that most doctors barely understand.

That makes you strong. That makes you resilient. That makes you someone who wakes up every day and keeps going despite the physical and emotional burden.

“It's not a big deal, over 1 in 10 women have it,” one respondent wrote. “On the other hand, I do feel...”

Both things can be true. PCOS is common. And it profoundly affects your sense of self.

You're allowed to acknowledge both.

What Cysta Is Doing Differently

Every feature I'm building into Cysta comes from survey responses like yours.

• Cycle tracking is completely optional, because your worth isn't tied to having regular periods.
• Mental health tracking is core, not an afterthought.
• Body image and identity questions are included, because these are health metrics too.
• Community spaces are separated by goals so fertility-focused and childfree users both feel supported.
• There's no judgmental language, ever.
• We celebrate all kinds of progress, not just weight loss or cycle regularity.

Because you deserve a tool that understands PCOS isn't just about periods. It's about your whole experience of living in a body that society doesn't fully understand.

You're not alone in feeling this way. And you deserve to feel whole.